Grief Is Not a Lack of Faith

I have met it many times.

Someone in the church loses a loved one. Or goes through something hard. And a well-meaning friend says: "You just have to hold on to your faith. Rejoice in the Lord always!"

It's not wrong. But it can do damage if it's said at the wrong time.

When Lazarus died, Jesus went to his grave.

He knew what was going to happen. He knew he would raise him. He had all the power to stop the grief with a single word.

And yet: Jesus wept.

Not because he didn't believe. But because he loved. Because the pain was real. Because he let himself be moved by what moved the people he cared about.

John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the Bible: "Jesus wept."

Grief is not the opposite of faith. It's part of loving something that is passing away.

Rick Warren, the pastor and author behind The Purpose Driven Life, lost his son Matthew to suicide in 2013. Months later he stood up and said:

Loss is inevitable. Pain is inevitable. But grief is a choice. You have to actively choose to enter into it.

And he said something more: "You don't get over grief. You get through it."

That difference is not trivial.

Many of us try to move on without going through it. We push it down. We say it's okay when it isn't. And then we get stuck, because we never allowed ourselves to grieve the loss that shaped us.

The Bible is not afraid of pain.

65 of the 150 Psalms are laments. God's people complained to him, accused him, cried out at him. And God kept every single word.

Psalm 88, one of the darkest in the whole Bible, ends: "You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." No restoration. No light at the end.

And there's a whole book in the Bible called Lamentations. Five chapters about loss and grief. No easy answers.

To lament to God is not a lack of faith. It's faith, because you're turning to him instead of turning your back on him.

Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matt 5:4)

Who is comforted? Those who mourn. Not those who hide it. Not those who get through without feeling it.

Grief is God's gift for getting through what would otherwise stay stuck in us. If we avoid it, we stay stuck.

There's a difference between grief and stuck grief.

Grief is natural and healthy. It's the soul's response to loss. It needs space and time and people who dare to sit with it.

Stuck grief is something else. It's when we get stuck, when we can't see any way forward, when life closes in. There, professional help, a psychologist or a doctor, can be God's gift to us. It's not weakness to ask for that help. It's wisdom.

Paul writes that we should "weep with those who weep." (Rom 12:15) That's not wishful thinking. It's a command.

Not: solve the problems. Not: cheer them up with a Bible verse. Just: be there. Weep with them.

Sometimes that's the best we can give one another.

What's your first reaction when someone tells you they're not doing well?

And do you have anyone who just dares to sit with it, without trying to fix it?